Croatoa Bloopers
by Alex Kade
Summary: I just felt like writing something funny, so here are some bloopers to go along with my National Treasure: Croatoa story. If you haven't read it, this won't make much sense to you, so you might want to check that out first! :
1. Chapter 1

A/N: _I decided to have a little fun and give you guys an extra little treat. I always love watching gag reels on DVD's, so being as how I wrote Croatoa to read more like a movie, I've decided to include my own gag reel! I've abbreviated names for simplicity: Justin Bartha (Riley) = JB, Nicholas Cage (Ben) = NC, Diane Kruger (Abigail) = DK, Harvey Keitel (Sadusky) = HK, Jon Voight (Patrick) = JV, Helen Mirren (Emily) = HM, and anyone who isn't a real person will be labeled by their character names. I also identified the parts the "scenes" came from so you can reread how they actually played out in case you forgot. Enjoy! :)

* * *

_

_Part 1:_

_JB:_ Listen, while you've been running around playing the President's personal puppet boy-

_NC_: Riley-

_JB_: You're a regular Pinnochio

_NC_: Riley-

_JB_: Tell me, Ben, is there a cricket sitting on your shoulder right now?

_NC_: Riley!

_JB_ _(in a mock little kid voice): _I wanna be a real boy!

_NC screws up his face, trying not to laugh. He fails and starts cracking up. JB runs around set holding up the prop phone in a victory lap._

_Director_: Cut!

* * *

_Part 3:_

_JB is sitting in front of a computer pretending to play chess. The computer flashes the "You Win" screen._

_JB:_ Ngh! Take that!

_He stands up and points at the screen._

_JB:_ You thought you were better than me?! You're not better than me! In your face!

_He proceeds to dance around in a circle, pointing at the computer and singing "in your face" every time he gets around._

_Director (laughing): _Cut!

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

_JB starts falling to the ground, reaching a hand out to pull the cell phone down with him off the desk. He misses it on the way down. Dramatically, he flings himself back up onto his knees, arms scrabbling across the desk. With much panting and groaning, he reaches the phone and pulls it down next to him onto the ground. The other actors on set are trying to hide their smiles._

_JB (whispering hoarsely):_ Ben! Ben! Remember the aardvark!

_He rolls back his eyes and thunks his head down on the floor, lies there for a sec, and twitches once before going still. _

_Director: _Cut!

_Cast and crew laugh and clap while JB stands up and takes a bow.

* * *

_

_Part 7:_

_DK (pulling out books): _What's he going to do with all these?

NC: Well, I think his goal was to hang these _(shakes his head)_ – hang _on to_ these – hang these? Yes, he's going to hang all these up on his walls. His whole apartment, every wall, will be lined with the pages of these books. It'll be the new craze in home decoration – he'll be famous in no time. Martha Stewart will have nothing on Riley!

_Director: _Cut!

* * *

_Part 11:_

_HK: _Did you know there are over three hundred and fifty people in the United States now that go by the name Elizabeth Drake?

_NC: _Really? That is fascinating! How many people have my name?

_DK:_ No, do mine!

_JV: _I'm older, do me first!

_HM: _But I wear the pants around here – my name should be first!

_HK:_ Wait, wait, wait!...Now, I'm the agent, here, so I'm doing my name first.

_HK runs over to the computer and pretends to type in his name._

_Director: _Cut!

_Cast laugh as they go back to their positions.

* * *

_

_Part 15:_

_JB picks up the chair and "limps" with it over to "Drake." He moves around in front of it keeping his eyes on her and goes to plop down into the chair, but it rolls back a little and he misses it. He falls down to the floor off-screen._

"_Drake": _Oh! Justin? Are you okay?

_JB (laughing): _Medic! _(laughs again)_ I think I really _did_ hurt my knee! No, I'm just kidding.

_He springs up off the ground, checks the chair, and sits very deliberately into it. He sticks out his leg and proceeds to roll up his pants in a very risqué fashion._

_Director: _Cut! Are you okay?

_JB laughs, nodding, then covers his reddening face with his hand._

_JB: _That's going in the blooper reel, isn't it?

_

* * *

_

_Part 17:_

_NC slips money into "Rickland's" hands. "Rickland" let's out a "whooweee!" and starts dancing around in a circle kicking his legs up in the air. NC, DK, "Miller", and "Tilton" join him._

_Director: _Cut!

_They keep dancing._

_Director: _Cut!

_Crew members run on set and join in the dance._

_Director: _Oh, what the heck?

_Director runs in front of camera and starts dancing with everyone else.

* * *

_

_Part 19:_

"_Tilton":_ It's the jingle for Lucky Charms!

"_Miller" is about to say her line when JB enters the scene in the background, hopping across the set sideways from leg to leg, waving his arms._

_JB:_ Frosted Lucky Charms! They're magically delicious!

_He proceeds to hop all the way across the set and off screen. The rest of the cast just stares. NC suddenly stands up and runs after him._

_NC: _Riley! Come baaaaaaaaack!!!!!!

_JB (off screen)_: Ye can't get me Lucky Charms!!!

_Director: _Cut!

* * *

_Part 20:_

_JB is lying on the ground, cupping his ear._

_JB (in a breathy, girly voice):_ Agh! You hit me! (_he smiles) _Do it again, you naughty, naughty girl!

"_Drake" busts into laughter. "Evan" jumps down from the tree and leans over JB, pretending to kiss him. "Joseph" runs up and grabs both in a big bear hug. They release and JB stands up, flamboyantly flipping a loose hair from his face. _

_JB (still in breathy girly voice):_ Thanks, boys! Call me!

_He places his hands on his hips and struts off the set._

_Director:_ Cut!

* * *

A/N: _Ah! There were so many, many more but I didn't want to make this too long! I hope you liked it as much as I enjoyed writing it! Maybe I'll do more later...  
_


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: **Thought I'd give y'all another round of bloopers, too, since I took so long to update this story. Here's the name code, as per the previous "chapter:"_  
_

_Justin Bartha (Riley) = JB, Nicholas Cage (Ben) = NC, Diane Kruger (Abigail) = DK, Harvey Keitel (Sadusky) = HK, Jon Voight (Patrick) = JV, Helen Mirren (Emily) = HM, and anyone who isn't a real person will be labeled by their character names.  
_

The "Parts" listed coincide with where in the actual Croatoa fic the scene in question takes place.

* * *

_Part 22_

'_Evan' lifts his sunglasses up and winks at 'Bobbi'_

'_Evan' (in deep voice): _Hey baby, what d'ya say we ditch these losers and go for a little spin in my hot ride?

'_Bobbi' (excitedly): _Okay!

'_Bobbi' runs around the other side of the car and jumps in, then leans over and grabs 'Evan's' face as if to pull him into a kiss. _

'_Evan': _Wait, you're going a little fast. Help! I'm being molested! CIA's being raped by the FBI! Help!

_Director: _Cut!

_The rest of the cast laugh as 'Bobbi' hops back out of the car._

* * *

_Part 23_

_JB: _Ben! Abigail!

_NC & DK: _Riley!

_The three begin running towards each other in staged slow motion. 'Evan' starts singing "da, dahhhh, da, da, da, da, da, dahhhhh" in typical "reunion" music._

_JB (in super slow, very deep voice): _Beeeeennnnnnnnnnnnn, Aaaaaabbbbbbbyyyyyyyyy!

_NC & DK (also in slo-mo voice): _Riiiiilllllllleeeeeeyyyyyyy!

_Director: _Cut!

_JB, NC, & DK keep going until they hug in super slow motion. NC picks up JB and spins him around in a slow circle._

_Director (laughing): _Guys, cut!

* * *

_Part 24_

_JB throws the paper at 'Evan' and it hits him in the face. _

_*blip*_

_Paper hits 'Evan' in the face again. He laughs._

_*blip*_

_He tries to catch the paper and instead swats it out of out the air._

_*blip*_

_He smacks the paper again. It flies off and hits NC._

'_Evan': _ Oops, sorry!

_*blip*_

_Paper hits him in the face again._

_*blip*_

'_Evan': _Wait, wait, I got it this time, I got it.

_Paper hits him in the chest._

'_Evan': _That was bad aim!

_*blip*_

_He catches it._

_Director: _Cut! Don't lose that shot! _(laughs)_

'_Evan' jumps off the couch to the cheers of everyone on set, and holds up the paper in victory._

'_Evan' (laughing): _I think I paper-cut my face.

* * *

_Part 29_

_As 'Evan' kicks the hackey sack around, NC & JB rush onto set._

_NC: _Kick it to me, Evan!

_JB: _No, kick it over here!

_JB trips and falls._

_NC: _You okay?

_JB laughs and covers his face with his hands as he rolls over onto his back._

_JB: _I just *beeep*-ing bloopered the gag. _(Stands up and points to camera) _A gag reel for the gag reel - it'll be the next big thing in DVD Special Features. _(laughs as he walks off set, shaking his head)_

* * *

_Part 33_

'_Joseph' bends down to allow JB to hop on his back. JB jumps on and slaps 'Joseph' in the flank._

_JB: _Hi-ho, Silver, away!

'_Joseph' snorts and gallops off into the distance with JB, leaving everyone else on set laughing. He goes for a while._

_NC (laughing): _He's not stopping.

_Director: _Guys, come back. Come on, we're losing daylight!

* * *

_Part 35_

_JV & HM link their arms together and skip off down the library aisle singing "Follow the Yellow Brick Road." JB, NC, 'Evan', and DK jump into the shot and swing their arms stiffly side to side, singing along in Munchkin fashion until Director calls for the cut._

* * *

_Part 37_

_(In tunnel)_

_NC: _Is now a good time to tell you I'm claustrophobic?

'_Elizabeth': _Is now a good time to tell you I cry in the dark?

'_Victor': _Is now a good time to tell you I flip out when I get dirty?

_JB: _Is now a good time to tell you I _(chuckling) _totally let one loose. _(laughs as everyone else squeals and wriggles away) _I'm sorry, that's…that's gross. Don't put that in the blooper reel. Guys, I was kidding!

* * *

_Part 40_

_NC: _What are you doing?

_JB: _Pretending to be Tim Robbins in Shawshank Redemption.

_*blip*_

_JB: _Liberating the earthworms from the evil Lord of the Dirt Dungeon

_*blip*_

_JB: _Amassing our fortune in the world's shallowest oil dig.

_*blip*_

_JB: _ Laying out the tunnels for Kyle Reese so he has somewhere to go when the robots attack.

_*blip*_

_JB: _Discovering a new species of mole donkeys.

_NC cracks._

_NC: (to director) _I'm sorry, I'm sorry. He just looks so serious!

* * *

_Part 42_

_NC walks through the water._

_NC: _This actually is kind of cold… I can feel my balls shrinking…

'_Victor' (off screen): _I have to go in there next? I like the size of my balls!


End file.
